Promoted!

I've been struggling at work lately. Under appreciated and overworked has been my daily companions for the past few months. A few months ago I had thought I was in line for promotion so I had become more involved with my supervisors' responsibilities, learning and taking them on for myself. I did this fully expecting a promotion that was instead given to someone else. I was hurt and felt very discouraged. Once that person assumed their position I was fully expecting them to take on the duties that they were responsible for instead of me continuing to do them. But that didn't happen. I was doing my job and a vast majority of their job but I couldn't say anything without being a team player, without looking petty. So I didn't say anything or do anything, just accepting it. This morning, I had had enough. I was tired and frustrated. I loved what I did but the pay wasn't worth it, especially when it didn't relate to what I had gone to school for. This morning I had promised myself that I would apply for at least three jobs tonight. Instead, I arrive at my store and I discovered that I had been promoted. And I am ecstatic!

But part of me wonders if this is going to be a good fit. Or in a few months am I going to feel stuck again? Can I continue to work in a field that doesn't set me on fire like history does? I feel like I'm encountering a problem that many people in my position face. I have a stable job that (now) pays decent, I have set benefits and set hours. I can see myself climbing the corporate ladder. But its not how I envisioned my career when I started college. Its not how I envisioned it even a year ago. But can I let go of stability to do something that pertains to my degree, which I might not enjoy. I feel like in college that goals and achieving them was easy. Take class that applies to major, do readings, write essays. Done. But now that I'm in the adult world I feel that everything is so much more complicated. There is no clear path to anything. And I miss the clear path.

growing pains and growing up

2014 is drawing to an end and like most people I've felt the need to evaluate the past year and see the changes that it has wrought. This year has been filled with growing pains. It was the year that i turned 26, making me closer to 30 rather than 20. It was my and G's first wedding anniversary. It was the year that I finally graduated with my Bachelors. 

All these milestones have forced me to think about where I've been and where I want to go in the future. I'm no longer a college student but rather a full time employee. I'm on the cusp of deciding what dreams I want to pursue and what ones I want to leave behind. I've realized that what I want in life isn't going to appear before me with no effort but only through hard work. 

My resolutions this year are not things that will be easy for me to achieve but rather goals that will force me to become someone new and better. 

1. I'm going to learn to hustle. And by that I mean nose to the pavement to get a job that makes me feel fulfilled and pertains to my degree and future career. I'm going to fill out application after application to get where I want to go. I'm not going to let the depressing statistics about liberal arts majors and the job field get me down. I've achieved so much with the odds against me that I'm not going to stagnate now. 

2. I'm going to treat my body better. Im going to look long term about what I'm putting in my body and what I'm dong to my body. No more drinking and late nights. No more smoking and fast food. Not only is this going to benefit me but I also want to be a model for M about food and health. I don't want my choices now to be a detriment to how I live my life in the future. 

3. I want to be more present in the now for my family. I want to remember and cherish the small everyday events that make up our lives. The big events are important but they don't give happiness on a daily basis. I want to look on the bright side and enjoy every moment I have with the people I love. 

Only three things. But the return on these three things would be a happier and better life for me and my family. I want the foundation of inner peace and family peace for when the tough times come. Because the tough times will come and I plan to weather any storm. 

Recipe for flour-less peanut butter cookies

The other day I had a sweet tooth craving hit me like a bus. We don't normally stock unhealthy food because I believe in removing temptations. But the other day I didn't care about eating healthy or the harms of refined sugar, I just needed something sweet to eat. I was all set to go to the store to buy ice cream, or Oreos or something, but M asked if we could bake something instead and I pride myself on trying to never turn down quality time with M.

However, we lacked key ingredients for traditional cookies, mainly milk. So I turn to one of my trusty cookbooks, a collection of recipes put out by a church in northern Minnesota in the early 80's. While scanning for recipes I found flour less peanut butter cookies! One of the easiest recipes to make, only using four ingredients!

FLOUR-LESS PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES

1 cup peanut butter (chunky or creamy)

1 cup white sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla

Mix ingredients together until fully mixed. Create one inch balls and place on cookie sheet. 

Use a fork to slighty push down on each roll. 

Bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Makes about 3 dozen. 

One of the easiest cookies I've made and quickly becoming my favorite peanut butter cookie!

Mudfest 2014

So this past weekend G and I went to a little gathering in Hillman, MN called Mudfest. The point of Mudfest is big ass mud trucks, getting muddy, and drinking until your liver screams. I've gone before in years past with my ex and a big group of our friends. And I've always had fun.

There I am, having fun and getting muddy! It has been a few years since I've gone and I've been missing it! Nothing is better than raising hell in a big ass truck. This year G and I decided that we would go over Memorial Day weekend as a combination of our first wedding anniversary and my 26th birthday. I was so excited! We even had our good friend Matt join us at our campground. It was all set to be a great weekend.

But it was a disaster! 

I can't even understand how a weekend that was supposed to be fun turned out so bad! I realized that the biggest mistake of the weekend was assuming that G would enjoy it. On the ride home he said that he wasn't surprised that Mudfest wasn't fun because it wasn't his scene. Upon hearing that I was so disappointed. No wonder it wasn't fun because he wasn't feeling it! I know that he tried to have it be a good time because I was so excited. It was really well meaning on his part but I wish he would have told me so we could have planned something that would be fun for both of us!

Beyond G not really wanting to go, I think there was some kind of cosmic joke against us. First, we weren't able to camp with a bunch of our friends because the campsite filled in so fast! Then, one of our bean bag boards got ran over by a drunk person who decided that midnight was the perfect time to drive out of his campsite. And lastly, I burnt the shit out of my hand! We were playing tippy cup when someone bumped the table that the propane lantern sitting on. Me, being slightly inebriated, caught the it. 

Awesome! So yeah this is my wonderful start to summer! Can't get any worse than this. But I did realize that I can't bottle up past experiences to relive them. Something that was amazing years ago isn't going to be the same now. I've changed, and I have to keep in mind that G is older than me and isn't always up to my shenanigans. 

pacer and my fitness pal

The past year I've seen a drastic change in my weight and not in a good way. I've always been comfortable in how I look and the way that I feel about myself. I've never been one to worry about my weight or if I was too fat. I view my body as a tool that I use and as long as it worked I was happy. But a comfortable relationship to a professional chef has lead to a large increase in my weight. It was a slow gain with a few pounds here and there but two years later I've gained almost 35 lbs! I'm starting to feel that weight gain now that it is summer and I want to be more active. So I've decided to work harder on getting healthy and maintaing a healthy lifestyle. We already eat a majority of fresh, home cooked meals so I'll be focusing on portion control and eating at least three times a day. Right now I usually forget to eat breakfast and sometimes lunch so by dinner time I'm starving and I overeat.

The second part to my weight loss/getting healthy goal is to be more active. My husband and I just joined a gym and my goal is to go twice a week to start and eventually three times a week. I've also downloaded my fitness pal and pacer on my phone. My Fitness Pal is one of the most popular food and exercise tracker on the market and Pacer is a pedometer app. They link together so I can see how active I am on a day to day basis in comparison to the food that I'm putting into my body. I'm not looking to restrict the type of food that I'm eating but rather to see how portions of even healthy food make a big impact on weight gain and energy. I'm using Pacer to see how active I am on a day to day basis and see if I can make improvements. I'm averaging about 6,000 steps a day and my goal is 10,000. I'm really trying to change my daily habits to create lifelong behaviors that will protect my health and benefit my body.

I'm going to try to post here every so often about my fitness and general health in order to keep myself accountable! 

How to Answer the Two Questions Every History Major receives!

I will hopefully be graduating this May. I've gotten back the grades for all but one of my class and the class remaining is the most worrisome. The final paper and project constitute over 90% of my grade. I feel that I did well on both but I'm a firm believer in not counting my eggs before they hatch. I believe that I will receive my degree but I'm not counting on it yet.

I feel all over the news, the internet, and even people on the streets, that there is a general loathing of liberal arts degrees and for some reason history in general. Almost on a daily basis I have to justify my degree. The most common question is "why would you pick that?" and "what can you do with a history degree?" For the most part I answer seriously. I chose history because I love it, and if I'm going to spend over $40,000 on something it better be on something that I love. The second question I usually respond that I'll either go to graduate school, or work in a museum or the library. I then have to explain that I know it doesn't pay the greatest and I'm fine with that. A roof over my head and food on the table are all that I really NEED! Oh and a job that I will actually enjoy going to! I have reached the point, though, that I'm so tempted to answer these reoccurring questions sarcastically.

Ten Response for Why I Picked a History Degree!

1. I got drunk and by the time I sobered up it was too late to change it.
2. I lost a bet.
3. I played eenie-meenie-minni-moe.
4. I'm really good at playing Risk.
5. I can't do math.
6. Underwater basket weaving wasn't available at my school.
7. I wanted to take advantage of the welfare system.
8. I wanted to learn from other people's mistakes so I can take over the world.
9. I thought it was the easiest way to get an MRS. degree.
10. I wanted to know if Rome was built in a day.

Ten Things I'm Going to do with My History Degree!

1. I'm going to work at McDonalds.
2. I'm going to collect welfare.
3. I'm going to teach your devil spawns.
4. I'm going to protest all the things!
5. I'm going to become a writer of historical romantic literature featuring an asexual robot and a iguana.
6. I'm going to work at the DMV.
7. I'm going to be a stripper in a dive club in Central Minnesota.
8. Pop out at least 12 kids in the next 12 years, duh!
9. Take over the world!
10. A secret government job, and I really can't talk about it!

General word of advice for people not wasting their lives with a liberal arts education, I'm tired of these two questions. Money ain't everything, I do have a plan, and mind your own damn business.

Girls and Sexism and Cars

Since I was a little girl I've enjoyed cars. I love to drive fast, I love to work on cars, and I love to admire beautiful cars. For the past two years I've even had jobs in the automotive field.And I generally enjoy my job. There are definitely negatives like sexist old men that don't value my opinion. But I can brush that off telling myself that it's their loss if they don't want to listen to my opinion.

But the sexism that eats away at me and makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing is when women undervalue my opinion or brush me off because I am a woman. I get that sexism isn't just restricted to old men, but it still hurts. The woman that a few years ago refused to let me work on her car because I am a women stayed with me for a long time. However, I've always been lucky to work with guys that appreciate me and the knowledge that I bring to work. My manager refused to service her car. Women are just as capable of enforcing gender stereotypes.

What brings me to write this post is a recent incident between a friend and myself. She has been having issues with one of her cars and me being my nosey self started asking her questions in attempt at a diagnosis. She said that she didn't know because she's a girl and that she isn't a "cool" girl like me. I was floored. I don't consider myself a "cool" girl. I know I get a long with men because we share the same interests. I know I get along with men because I grew up with a younger brother and all boy cousins. I know how to interact with men but I have never, ever, thought that it placed me on some "cool" girl pedestal. I can understand that other women could look at me and be jealous about my easy going nature with men, and that being "one of the guys" is an advantage to something.

I've never felt that way. Instead I get stuck with messy, noisy, inconsiderate boys. I have very few female friends that want to spend a night in and drink wine. I learned how to do my makeup through online videos because I didn't have a sister or a girlfriend to show me how. I don't know how to do my hair. I don't have a girl that I can confide to. Instead I'm one of the "cool" girls.

It's so easy to look at other women and see attributes and personality traits that seem to give them a heads up in the world and either define it as uncool or cool. I think that's very unfair. I don't consider myself cool, I just do what I love. And other girls probably don't consider themselves cool and just do what they love. I think it's so easy to get caught up in being cool, girly, or manly, or smart, or funny without looking inside and understanding that no matter where someone falls on the "cool" scale they probably struggle with similar issues.

New Year, New Me

So, I hate new years resolutions. Actually, I despise them. I think they are an easy way for people to voice their dissatisfaction with their lifestyles and choices without actually committing to change themselves. It’s okay to forget about the resolutions mid-January, or even February if really motivated. New Years resolutions are little lies that people tell themselves in hope of change coming without actually putting in the effort. I usually don’t make resolutions for that very reason. I try to change and grow as a person but I don’t think that the magical date of January 1st is going to help me accomplish my goals. The changes that I want to make shouldn’t be pushed off until the new year or forgotten because it’s February. I want lasting change and I think that the culture surrounding New Years resolutions don’t create an environment that allows change to happen.

Now, that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I am going to give my justification for actually creating New Years resolutions despite my distaste for them.

I want to change, I need to grow up. My 26th birthday is looming on the horizon and I will no longer have the excuse of being in my early 20’s for any bad life choices I make. Around the same time as my birthday is my graduation from college. I’m going to have to get a real job. And I’m terrified. I don’t feel prepared for these milestones. Honestly, I feel like I’m just getting by in life without having to work hard or be responsible. And I need to grow up. I need to take on greater responsibilities besides ensuring that my bills are paid on time, and that I’m wearing clean clothes.

So my resolutions for 2014.

-Have a grown up home.

To me this doesn’t feel like an age thing but rather an attitude adjustment. I want to ensure that my house is clean, clutter free, and loved. Dirty dishes taken care of  right away, no more dirty laundry all over the place, and no more piles of trash. I want to love my house and love myself by creating a better environment

-Get my shit together.

Make doc appointments, dentist appointments. No more putting off important stuff because it’s unpleasant to do. Part of this means I have to either utilize my iPhone as a calendar/to do list or I should invest in a pretty paper calendar. I’m going to attempt to use the iPhone for now.

-Productive me time.

I get a nice amount of “me” time. But I piss it away. I sit and watch t.v. and nothing else. And it is a waste. I’m going to prioritize my creative side when I have the time to do so. I’m going to finish that crochet project, or I’m going to paint, or I’m going to write. I’m going to do something that makes me a participant rather than an observer.

I feel pretty confident about my goals (otherwise why would I make them?), but I specifically picked items that can be restarted if I forget, and that have no specific ending like losing ten lbs. I don’t want temporary change, I want lifestyle change that will last.

Finding That Spark

I used to be extremely creative. Most people that have met me in the past 5 years would be OMG!! NO! I've created an image of a serious academic, right handed person*. My ex was/is critical of anything that didn't have immediate value. If I wanted to play the violin, guitar or other instrument but couldn't make any sort of money from doing so, it was discouraged. If I wanted to spend money on a new sketch pad or paint but wasn't a professional artist, I wasn't allowed to waste my money. It was a very discouraging time where my value as a person was directly correlated to the amount of money I made.

I suffered because of it. I am an analytical person, I like history and science. But I also need to experiment creatively in an endeavor that was just for fun or personal growth not wealth or acknowledgment. Over time I forgot how to be creative. I didn't exercise those muscles and they started to atrophy. 

Once I broke away from the ex, I knew I wanted to feel something again, but I had no idea how to start. I had forgotten how to ride the artistic bicycle. It wasn't until last spring, midway through my senior thesis that I realized that if I didn't do something, I would go insane. So I started to doodle.

The biggest hurdle to overcome was the feeling of imperfection. Real artists create perfect art and don't make mistakes and know exactly what they were doing and I sucked. I did suck but I let my feelings take that to another level. I couldn't be perfect so why even try! It was hard to overcome, to be willing to show anybody what I had drawn because I was afraid that they would only confirm my suspicions. 

I decided that the only way to be comfortable revealing my attempts of being artistic was to try my once preferred medium, paint. At one point I was a good painter, I had even sold a painting to one of my high school teacher**. So I started practicing. And I finally got comfortable sharing with my husband.

And he was ecstatic! He didn't crush me or say what's the point. In fact, he has "given" me a wall of the house to showcase my paintings. I feel amazing and complete! Do something that makes you feel good, and gives you relief from the mundane. I think most people would be surprised by their loved ones' response. 

*I'm referencing all those 'studies' that say left handed people are creative and right handed people are more analytical.

**She still has it!

Living Within Reason

My family has never been well off. My parents are very comfortably middle class. My brother and I never went hungry, always were able to do school activities, and were always clothed. Now that I've reached adulthood I understand what a struggle it is to meet all your needs and to not confuse them with wants. As a child, parents decide what are wants and needs and how to fulfill both categories. But once I reached "adulthood"* I didn't have a guiding force to tell me no and yes. To tell me that I should probably buy groceries before I buy another pair of boots. It takes trial and error to figure out how to prioritize money and choices. Since those first few months of trial and error, I'v succeeded to live within reason, but it was easy because there was no extra money. I didn't have a choice but to spend money on rent and utilities. When you can't buy anything it's easy to say no.

But now there is a wrench thrown into my living within reason lifestyle. G just got promoted. To a very well paying position. We have extra money! And I'm fighting the urge to spend it on so many pretty things! I know I shouldn't, I don't really need anything, but MONEY. I'm trying to teach myself that our bank account does not need to hover around $50. That it's okay to have money left over after paying all the bills. That I should probably save for a rainy day. And it's hard. Seeing extra money in my checking account is like receiving a birthday card from Grandma. And I'm going to work my damnedest to save. So if I fuck up, I'm writing about it here! I really want to pretend I'm a grownup and I've been able to in most things but money management. I need to get better.

xx
Heather


*I consider my personal, true adulthood to be when I moved out and paid my own bills.