Finding That Spark

I used to be extremely creative. Most people that have met me in the past 5 years would be OMG!! NO! I've created an image of a serious academic, right handed person*. My ex was/is critical of anything that didn't have immediate value. If I wanted to play the violin, guitar or other instrument but couldn't make any sort of money from doing so, it was discouraged. If I wanted to spend money on a new sketch pad or paint but wasn't a professional artist, I wasn't allowed to waste my money. It was a very discouraging time where my value as a person was directly correlated to the amount of money I made.

I suffered because of it. I am an analytical person, I like history and science. But I also need to experiment creatively in an endeavor that was just for fun or personal growth not wealth or acknowledgment. Over time I forgot how to be creative. I didn't exercise those muscles and they started to atrophy. 

Once I broke away from the ex, I knew I wanted to feel something again, but I had no idea how to start. I had forgotten how to ride the artistic bicycle. It wasn't until last spring, midway through my senior thesis that I realized that if I didn't do something, I would go insane. So I started to doodle.

The biggest hurdle to overcome was the feeling of imperfection. Real artists create perfect art and don't make mistakes and know exactly what they were doing and I sucked. I did suck but I let my feelings take that to another level. I couldn't be perfect so why even try! It was hard to overcome, to be willing to show anybody what I had drawn because I was afraid that they would only confirm my suspicions. 

I decided that the only way to be comfortable revealing my attempts of being artistic was to try my once preferred medium, paint. At one point I was a good painter, I had even sold a painting to one of my high school teacher**. So I started practicing. And I finally got comfortable sharing with my husband.

And he was ecstatic! He didn't crush me or say what's the point. In fact, he has "given" me a wall of the house to showcase my paintings. I feel amazing and complete! Do something that makes you feel good, and gives you relief from the mundane. I think most people would be surprised by their loved ones' response. 

*I'm referencing all those 'studies' that say left handed people are creative and right handed people are more analytical.

**She still has it!