Finding That Spark

I used to be extremely creative. Most people that have met me in the past 5 years would be OMG!! NO! I've created an image of a serious academic, right handed person*. My ex was/is critical of anything that didn't have immediate value. If I wanted to play the violin, guitar or other instrument but couldn't make any sort of money from doing so, it was discouraged. If I wanted to spend money on a new sketch pad or paint but wasn't a professional artist, I wasn't allowed to waste my money. It was a very discouraging time where my value as a person was directly correlated to the amount of money I made.

I suffered because of it. I am an analytical person, I like history and science. But I also need to experiment creatively in an endeavor that was just for fun or personal growth not wealth or acknowledgment. Over time I forgot how to be creative. I didn't exercise those muscles and they started to atrophy. 

Once I broke away from the ex, I knew I wanted to feel something again, but I had no idea how to start. I had forgotten how to ride the artistic bicycle. It wasn't until last spring, midway through my senior thesis that I realized that if I didn't do something, I would go insane. So I started to doodle.

The biggest hurdle to overcome was the feeling of imperfection. Real artists create perfect art and don't make mistakes and know exactly what they were doing and I sucked. I did suck but I let my feelings take that to another level. I couldn't be perfect so why even try! It was hard to overcome, to be willing to show anybody what I had drawn because I was afraid that they would only confirm my suspicions. 

I decided that the only way to be comfortable revealing my attempts of being artistic was to try my once preferred medium, paint. At one point I was a good painter, I had even sold a painting to one of my high school teacher**. So I started practicing. And I finally got comfortable sharing with my husband.

And he was ecstatic! He didn't crush me or say what's the point. In fact, he has "given" me a wall of the house to showcase my paintings. I feel amazing and complete! Do something that makes you feel good, and gives you relief from the mundane. I think most people would be surprised by their loved ones' response. 

*I'm referencing all those 'studies' that say left handed people are creative and right handed people are more analytical.

**She still has it!

Living Within Reason

My family has never been well off. My parents are very comfortably middle class. My brother and I never went hungry, always were able to do school activities, and were always clothed. Now that I've reached adulthood I understand what a struggle it is to meet all your needs and to not confuse them with wants. As a child, parents decide what are wants and needs and how to fulfill both categories. But once I reached "adulthood"* I didn't have a guiding force to tell me no and yes. To tell me that I should probably buy groceries before I buy another pair of boots. It takes trial and error to figure out how to prioritize money and choices. Since those first few months of trial and error, I'v succeeded to live within reason, but it was easy because there was no extra money. I didn't have a choice but to spend money on rent and utilities. When you can't buy anything it's easy to say no.

But now there is a wrench thrown into my living within reason lifestyle. G just got promoted. To a very well paying position. We have extra money! And I'm fighting the urge to spend it on so many pretty things! I know I shouldn't, I don't really need anything, but MONEY. I'm trying to teach myself that our bank account does not need to hover around $50. That it's okay to have money left over after paying all the bills. That I should probably save for a rainy day. And it's hard. Seeing extra money in my checking account is like receiving a birthday card from Grandma. And I'm going to work my damnedest to save. So if I fuck up, I'm writing about it here! I really want to pretend I'm a grownup and I've been able to in most things but money management. I need to get better.

xx
Heather


*I consider my personal, true adulthood to be when I moved out and paid my own bills.

Where have I been!

Holy Cow! It has been a long time since I've updated the 'ol bloggity. I've had very good intentions of doing so. My Evernote notebook for blog ideas is packed, but I've been lacking the drive to sit down and actually update it! The last time I updated I was reflecting and looking forward to 2013. And so far, 2013 has not disappointed. I'm going to cover many of the changes that have happened since 2013 and explore new possibilities. 

I'm just about to start my last semester of undergrad. I've think I had mentioned at some point last year it was going to be my last year but public colleges suck in terms of providing the resources needed to figure out what classes to take and how to transfer transcripts. It's exciting and I'm ready to move on. 

I'm ready to move on in so many different ways and I think that I've finally figured a way to include this blog in my life that is productive and enlightening to me. Hopefully, I won't abandon it again for 8 months ;)

xoxo,

Ginger

Save Your Eyes

My life has been crazy busy with the writing of my thesis. I don't have time for fun, or trivial blogs. However, my most recent discovery has drawn me back here to share. f.lux is an amazing app for apple computers and jailbroken iphones. It changes the color and brightness of the screen to match the hours of sunlight in your proximity. I was getting horrible eye strain from staring at the computer screen day and night. My eye strain was the classic kind, where your head is hurting but not enough to realize why. Then I downloaded f.lux as a momentary distraction away from my thesis and I'm amazed at the immediate difference I could feel in my eyes. I was like most people, thinking that eye strain isn't real and doesn't need to be addressed. BUT O M G I was dumb. Thank god for flux.

xx
Heather

Reflections

its been a while since ive last updated. the christmas season has come and gone and im looking forward to the new year. 2012 was filled with an amazing amount of changes.
i ended a toxic filled relationship.
i met the man of my dreams.
i finalized my divorce.
i gained a better understanding of who i am.

it was both a painful and glorious year. i wouldn't trade it for anything. and 2013 is gearing up to be a year of changes too. hopefully less painful but change nonetheless.
i graduate from college this year.
the man and i are planning a wedding.
we are also looking at expanding our little family.

despite planning on these changes occurring i know life is filled with its own surprises. i can hope that my goals come true but there is nothing i can do to ensure them. last year i had thought that i would never get married again but a year later i i am ecstatic to be marrying a man that i love and loves me back.

every year it seems that everyone i know, myself included, make goals and plans for the new year. this year i have goals but i'm also opening myself to whatever may happen during the year. life is unpredictable and i'm finally accepting that.

xx
Heather