stagnation

I feel like my life has stopped progressing. I don't know what my hope and dreams are, I don't know what I'm working for in life. I dont even have hobbies anymore! and I'm not quite sure when this happened.

im sure part of it has to do with school. I've been working on obtaining my undergraduate for almost 6 years! now part of that is my fault, I chose to prioritize a full time job over my education but it still feels like I've been in school forever. this is my last year as an undergraduate and I'm afraid. my degree could be described as useless but I love it. I just don't know if it will help me provide for my family in the future! my education has partially stolen my hobby. I used to live reading about history, watching specials about history, essentially anything to do with the past is how I filled my time. but now being so close to the end of my education I'm tired of it and don't know how to get that initial excitement back.

I also feel stuck at my job. there really isn't much room for advancement. and i really can't advance any further without taking away from my education again. I get paid a decent wage and I have awesome hours that let me be home with my son most of the time. but I still feel like I want something more.

I've been trying to fill my life with beauty, reading about design, travel, and art but it makes me wonder why am I not doing that! why am I not creating. why do I feel stuck being me. it's frustrating and a little worrisome. I want to be more! I want to be a better mother, a better student, and a better partner. I want all of that while still feeling like I'm still me. it wasn't too long ago I had become so preoccupied with meeting someone else's expectations of who I should be that I've lost myself and I don't know how to get that back.

any suggestions?

hunting

this is the second time that I have hunted for a new place to live in the past 2 1/2 years. considerations for a living place are incredibly different for a parent then a person without children.

the first thing to consider is the amount of money that can be spent on rent per month. a person has to take in to consideration the rent, food, utilities and any other bills that reoccur monthly. it's easy to forget monthly expenses like gasoline, clothing, medical bills, and household items like toilet paper. most people say that rent should only be 2/3 of your monthly income but from experience I know from experience that it doesn't really matter if you budget correctly.

once you know how much you can spend for rent look at that price point and LOWER! see what amenities are available with what's currently available and make a list of what's common and what is different. items on this list should be square footage, washer/dryer in unit (or building), on site maintenance, pools or workout rooms, etc.. once that list is made go through it and decide on what you absolutely need!

items that were on my list included:
decent square footage (at least 900)
washer and dryer preferably in unit
walk in closet
dishwasher
playground on site
swimming pool
clubhouse
dogs allowed

and I could find most of those items in a new apartment. but after visiting apartments, I understood what I actually needed in a new apartment! I didn't need a swimming pool or clubhouse. I needed more room then the average apartment in this area. my revised list focused on the actual apartment space and not the extras that most apartments include.

the general ambience of an apartment complex also plays a crucial role in deciding where to live. just like purchasing a home the "neighborhood" is incredibly important, especially with a small child. so many apartments we looked at were adult focused so much to the point that I felt incredibly uncomfortable with my child living there!

rather then focusing on the extras think about how the space makes you feel, and how welcoming it is to your child. even though I might have felt good about an apartment, if my son isn't comfortable, I won't be either.

viewing apartments are incredibly important. pictures cannot do justice to the real space and vibe of a place. in fact, I am now renting a place that I was apathetic about when viewing the online pictures, but as soon I stepped into the apartment I knew it was what I needed for me and my son.

going back to the list of wants in an apartment, don't let it dictate the way you feel about a space! my new place meets about half of those requirements extremely well and failed on others! it's still a wonderful apartment. it has other features I didn't even know I wanted.

this is a very basic starting point that has worked well for me! it's all about knowing needs vs. wants and accepting that I can't have everything. but I can have a space that allows me to be me and be the best mom I can be.

beginnings

in less the two weeks time i will be putting a deposit on a new place. it's some place that I can see living in for a while. let's just say its huge with plenty of space for me and mark to live comfortably. it also gets me out of a bad situation. my previous relationship left me bruised and battered emotionally. i did everything in my power to make it work but at some point I had to admit defeat. by october first I'll be in a much better place to grow and be myself. I felt the urge to document these new changes and celebrate new beginnings. the first several posts will most likely document my past and the accomplishments I've achieved.