Friday

this week is finals week, which is always a stressful time for me, but I can usually function. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. but since friday, it doesn't really matter anymore. I can't imagine the loss that those parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters are feeling right now. I can't comprehend that something so heinous could happen to children. The loss of innocence, pure innocence, is incredibly heartbreaking. My son, M, is six. He was sitting in his kindergarten class room during the shooting and the aftermath. As the story unfolded, and even now, I can't help but picture Mas one of those children. I can't help but imagine the presents wrapped under the Christmas tree but no little one to open them. I can't imagine the pictures on the walls, or the stocking hanging from the mantel. I can't imagine staring at the Christmas cards that feature a face that is no longer walking this earth. The sense of loss and selfish relief is so strong. I mourn from the bottom of my heart for those children and their parents, but I can't help but feeling relieved that it wasn't M.

Finals and school seem so unimportant. I would rather spend every extra moment with M, selfishly.

Art Challenge

etsy

art is amazing. it conveys feelings that can be hard to speak or understand. it can brighten your day. it can give clarity when nothing else does. im a huge fan of art. i love creating it {not that i have much time for that anymore}, i love looking at it whether at a museum or online. i love seeing how people incorporate art into their lives, however, there is a trend to consider mass produced wall hangings as art {i'm looking at you target}, which is extremely over priced and unoriginal. when i worked at target i was shocked at the amount of people that would buy the hotel-esque art or the oversized reproduction photograph of marilyn monroe. i would just want to scold them that they are wasting their money over a waste of space that they dont even love. especially when there are so many original pieces of art that they could buy instead. and when they buy original pieces of art they can support some amazing people. here is just a few samples of artwork that has been sitting on my wish list. and i ask you as the reader, when your tempted to go to target to add something something to your walls, check out etsy or 20x200 or society6. these websites are devoted with sharing art with the general public at affordable prices, some pieces are even more affordable then target! hopefully in the next few weeks i will be able to share my growing art collection with you!

etsy

etsy

etsy

etsy

etsy

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etsy

Trip to the Library

i get drawn into the modern technology very easily. i like gadgets, i like having new, shiny toys. and i have fallen into the trap that i think that modern and technological is always better then what was there before. now, there are some things that i love that are vintage: furniture, clothing, records, artwork.

especially for school i fall into the mindset that "the computer is the best thing ever to happen to education since the invention of the written language." and technology is very useful for education. i love using my ipad as a book reader, a notetaker, and calendar. it's incredibly useful. instead of lugging pounds upon pounds of books, i'm able to consolidate my text books and library books into a single item that fits into my purse {amazing!}. technology in general has changed aspects of higher education in the liberal field. i have access to journals that i would never be able to afford on my own. through the digitization of books and journals my school can financially afford to give access to the students. i have an incredible amount of information available to me through my web browser!

but i fall into the trap of thinking "if i can't get it through the internet it must not exist" and it's an easy trap to fall into. if i can't find it through jstor or google, i give up. i forget there is a library that may hold information that isn't available through the internet. in class the other day, we had a research librarian do a presentation on effective ways to research. i would argue that i am a master researcher when it comes to websites and databases available online, but i fail miserably at even checking the school library for resources. so while the librarian was educating the class on research i took a moment to browse the school library about my thesis topic. and oh my god! i found so much information that isn't available online. i found primary source documents that i had given up for lost! i spent a good hour clearing out the library shelves of all books on my thesis. i was giddy like a child in a candy shop!

i had forgotten how much i love libraries and what an essential part they are to research. the computer isn't everything, and it definitely cannot beat a hardbound book! so, fellow students, step away from the computer. stop focusing on the internet, and check out your local library and be amazed at the wealth of information!

My Accomplishments

it's so easy to forget personal accomplishments, especially when we compare ourselves to others. personally, i feel mediocre about almost all of my accomplishments. i could be a better student. i could be a better mother. i could be a better partner, cook, artist... the list goes on and on. there always seems to be someone doing it better and with greater ease. trying to do anything seems so hard and appears to be too much work. it's hard to try and become better when the thought 'i will never be as good as so and so'. ive had to wok hard at realizing my accomplishments matter to me rather then to the world.

one of the best realizations that I have had is that I don't see the other persons struggles. I don't know how hard thy have worked to get to that point of success. I also don't see what they want to be better at and feel less then accomplished. I also don't know what people admire about my skills. I don't know how other people compare themselves to me.

a way that I've broken this cycle of comparing myself to others is to make a list of what I want to be good at and how good. an example looks like this:

I want to cook at least 4 meals a week
I want to buy more organic
I want to spend more time reading
I want to immerse myself in creativity
I want to plan more special trips for my son
I want to stop and smell the roses.
I want to do well at school

the main point is to stop comparing yourself to others and spend time on the skills you want to improve. and also to realize what you can actually accomplish! if I tried to do my whole list at once I would be a failure. work a little but in each item and your skills will grow through usage.

be the person you want to be!

stagnation

I feel like my life has stopped progressing. I don't know what my hope and dreams are, I don't know what I'm working for in life. I dont even have hobbies anymore! and I'm not quite sure when this happened.

im sure part of it has to do with school. I've been working on obtaining my undergraduate for almost 6 years! now part of that is my fault, I chose to prioritize a full time job over my education but it still feels like I've been in school forever. this is my last year as an undergraduate and I'm afraid. my degree could be described as useless but I love it. I just don't know if it will help me provide for my family in the future! my education has partially stolen my hobby. I used to live reading about history, watching specials about history, essentially anything to do with the past is how I filled my time. but now being so close to the end of my education I'm tired of it and don't know how to get that initial excitement back.

I also feel stuck at my job. there really isn't much room for advancement. and i really can't advance any further without taking away from my education again. I get paid a decent wage and I have awesome hours that let me be home with my son most of the time. but I still feel like I want something more.

I've been trying to fill my life with beauty, reading about design, travel, and art but it makes me wonder why am I not doing that! why am I not creating. why do I feel stuck being me. it's frustrating and a little worrisome. I want to be more! I want to be a better mother, a better student, and a better partner. I want all of that while still feeling like I'm still me. it wasn't too long ago I had become so preoccupied with meeting someone else's expectations of who I should be that I've lost myself and I don't know how to get that back.

any suggestions?

hunting

this is the second time that I have hunted for a new place to live in the past 2 1/2 years. considerations for a living place are incredibly different for a parent then a person without children.

the first thing to consider is the amount of money that can be spent on rent per month. a person has to take in to consideration the rent, food, utilities and any other bills that reoccur monthly. it's easy to forget monthly expenses like gasoline, clothing, medical bills, and household items like toilet paper. most people say that rent should only be 2/3 of your monthly income but from experience I know from experience that it doesn't really matter if you budget correctly.

once you know how much you can spend for rent look at that price point and LOWER! see what amenities are available with what's currently available and make a list of what's common and what is different. items on this list should be square footage, washer/dryer in unit (or building), on site maintenance, pools or workout rooms, etc.. once that list is made go through it and decide on what you absolutely need!

items that were on my list included:
decent square footage (at least 900)
washer and dryer preferably in unit
walk in closet
dishwasher
playground on site
swimming pool
clubhouse
dogs allowed

and I could find most of those items in a new apartment. but after visiting apartments, I understood what I actually needed in a new apartment! I didn't need a swimming pool or clubhouse. I needed more room then the average apartment in this area. my revised list focused on the actual apartment space and not the extras that most apartments include.

the general ambience of an apartment complex also plays a crucial role in deciding where to live. just like purchasing a home the "neighborhood" is incredibly important, especially with a small child. so many apartments we looked at were adult focused so much to the point that I felt incredibly uncomfortable with my child living there!

rather then focusing on the extras think about how the space makes you feel, and how welcoming it is to your child. even though I might have felt good about an apartment, if my son isn't comfortable, I won't be either.

viewing apartments are incredibly important. pictures cannot do justice to the real space and vibe of a place. in fact, I am now renting a place that I was apathetic about when viewing the online pictures, but as soon I stepped into the apartment I knew it was what I needed for me and my son.

going back to the list of wants in an apartment, don't let it dictate the way you feel about a space! my new place meets about half of those requirements extremely well and failed on others! it's still a wonderful apartment. it has other features I didn't even know I wanted.

this is a very basic starting point that has worked well for me! it's all about knowing needs vs. wants and accepting that I can't have everything. but I can have a space that allows me to be me and be the best mom I can be.

beginnings

in less the two weeks time i will be putting a deposit on a new place. it's some place that I can see living in for a while. let's just say its huge with plenty of space for me and mark to live comfortably. it also gets me out of a bad situation. my previous relationship left me bruised and battered emotionally. i did everything in my power to make it work but at some point I had to admit defeat. by october first I'll be in a much better place to grow and be myself. I felt the urge to document these new changes and celebrate new beginnings. the first several posts will most likely document my past and the accomplishments I've achieved.