Girls and Sexism and Cars

Since I was a little girl I've enjoyed cars. I love to drive fast, I love to work on cars, and I love to admire beautiful cars. For the past two years I've even had jobs in the automotive field.And I generally enjoy my job. There are definitely negatives like sexist old men that don't value my opinion. But I can brush that off telling myself that it's their loss if they don't want to listen to my opinion.

But the sexism that eats away at me and makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing is when women undervalue my opinion or brush me off because I am a woman. I get that sexism isn't just restricted to old men, but it still hurts. The woman that a few years ago refused to let me work on her car because I am a women stayed with me for a long time. However, I've always been lucky to work with guys that appreciate me and the knowledge that I bring to work. My manager refused to service her car. Women are just as capable of enforcing gender stereotypes.

What brings me to write this post is a recent incident between a friend and myself. She has been having issues with one of her cars and me being my nosey self started asking her questions in attempt at a diagnosis. She said that she didn't know because she's a girl and that she isn't a "cool" girl like me. I was floored. I don't consider myself a "cool" girl. I know I get a long with men because we share the same interests. I know I get along with men because I grew up with a younger brother and all boy cousins. I know how to interact with men but I have never, ever, thought that it placed me on some "cool" girl pedestal. I can understand that other women could look at me and be jealous about my easy going nature with men, and that being "one of the guys" is an advantage to something.

I've never felt that way. Instead I get stuck with messy, noisy, inconsiderate boys. I have very few female friends that want to spend a night in and drink wine. I learned how to do my makeup through online videos because I didn't have a sister or a girlfriend to show me how. I don't know how to do my hair. I don't have a girl that I can confide to. Instead I'm one of the "cool" girls.

It's so easy to look at other women and see attributes and personality traits that seem to give them a heads up in the world and either define it as uncool or cool. I think that's very unfair. I don't consider myself cool, I just do what I love. And other girls probably don't consider themselves cool and just do what they love. I think it's so easy to get caught up in being cool, girly, or manly, or smart, or funny without looking inside and understanding that no matter where someone falls on the "cool" scale they probably struggle with similar issues.

New Year, New Me

So, I hate new years resolutions. Actually, I despise them. I think they are an easy way for people to voice their dissatisfaction with their lifestyles and choices without actually committing to change themselves. It’s okay to forget about the resolutions mid-January, or even February if really motivated. New Years resolutions are little lies that people tell themselves in hope of change coming without actually putting in the effort. I usually don’t make resolutions for that very reason. I try to change and grow as a person but I don’t think that the magical date of January 1st is going to help me accomplish my goals. The changes that I want to make shouldn’t be pushed off until the new year or forgotten because it’s February. I want lasting change and I think that the culture surrounding New Years resolutions don’t create an environment that allows change to happen.

Now, that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I am going to give my justification for actually creating New Years resolutions despite my distaste for them.

I want to change, I need to grow up. My 26th birthday is looming on the horizon and I will no longer have the excuse of being in my early 20’s for any bad life choices I make. Around the same time as my birthday is my graduation from college. I’m going to have to get a real job. And I’m terrified. I don’t feel prepared for these milestones. Honestly, I feel like I’m just getting by in life without having to work hard or be responsible. And I need to grow up. I need to take on greater responsibilities besides ensuring that my bills are paid on time, and that I’m wearing clean clothes.

So my resolutions for 2014.

-Have a grown up home.

To me this doesn’t feel like an age thing but rather an attitude adjustment. I want to ensure that my house is clean, clutter free, and loved. Dirty dishes taken care of  right away, no more dirty laundry all over the place, and no more piles of trash. I want to love my house and love myself by creating a better environment

-Get my shit together.

Make doc appointments, dentist appointments. No more putting off important stuff because it’s unpleasant to do. Part of this means I have to either utilize my iPhone as a calendar/to do list or I should invest in a pretty paper calendar. I’m going to attempt to use the iPhone for now.

-Productive me time.

I get a nice amount of “me” time. But I piss it away. I sit and watch t.v. and nothing else. And it is a waste. I’m going to prioritize my creative side when I have the time to do so. I’m going to finish that crochet project, or I’m going to paint, or I’m going to write. I’m going to do something that makes me a participant rather than an observer.

I feel pretty confident about my goals (otherwise why would I make them?), but I specifically picked items that can be restarted if I forget, and that have no specific ending like losing ten lbs. I don’t want temporary change, I want lifestyle change that will last.

Finding That Spark

I used to be extremely creative. Most people that have met me in the past 5 years would be OMG!! NO! I've created an image of a serious academic, right handed person*. My ex was/is critical of anything that didn't have immediate value. If I wanted to play the violin, guitar or other instrument but couldn't make any sort of money from doing so, it was discouraged. If I wanted to spend money on a new sketch pad or paint but wasn't a professional artist, I wasn't allowed to waste my money. It was a very discouraging time where my value as a person was directly correlated to the amount of money I made.

I suffered because of it. I am an analytical person, I like history and science. But I also need to experiment creatively in an endeavor that was just for fun or personal growth not wealth or acknowledgment. Over time I forgot how to be creative. I didn't exercise those muscles and they started to atrophy. 

Once I broke away from the ex, I knew I wanted to feel something again, but I had no idea how to start. I had forgotten how to ride the artistic bicycle. It wasn't until last spring, midway through my senior thesis that I realized that if I didn't do something, I would go insane. So I started to doodle.

The biggest hurdle to overcome was the feeling of imperfection. Real artists create perfect art and don't make mistakes and know exactly what they were doing and I sucked. I did suck but I let my feelings take that to another level. I couldn't be perfect so why even try! It was hard to overcome, to be willing to show anybody what I had drawn because I was afraid that they would only confirm my suspicions. 

I decided that the only way to be comfortable revealing my attempts of being artistic was to try my once preferred medium, paint. At one point I was a good painter, I had even sold a painting to one of my high school teacher**. So I started practicing. And I finally got comfortable sharing with my husband.

And he was ecstatic! He didn't crush me or say what's the point. In fact, he has "given" me a wall of the house to showcase my paintings. I feel amazing and complete! Do something that makes you feel good, and gives you relief from the mundane. I think most people would be surprised by their loved ones' response. 

*I'm referencing all those 'studies' that say left handed people are creative and right handed people are more analytical.

**She still has it!

Living Within Reason

My family has never been well off. My parents are very comfortably middle class. My brother and I never went hungry, always were able to do school activities, and were always clothed. Now that I've reached adulthood I understand what a struggle it is to meet all your needs and to not confuse them with wants. As a child, parents decide what are wants and needs and how to fulfill both categories. But once I reached "adulthood"* I didn't have a guiding force to tell me no and yes. To tell me that I should probably buy groceries before I buy another pair of boots. It takes trial and error to figure out how to prioritize money and choices. Since those first few months of trial and error, I'v succeeded to live within reason, but it was easy because there was no extra money. I didn't have a choice but to spend money on rent and utilities. When you can't buy anything it's easy to say no.

But now there is a wrench thrown into my living within reason lifestyle. G just got promoted. To a very well paying position. We have extra money! And I'm fighting the urge to spend it on so many pretty things! I know I shouldn't, I don't really need anything, but MONEY. I'm trying to teach myself that our bank account does not need to hover around $50. That it's okay to have money left over after paying all the bills. That I should probably save for a rainy day. And it's hard. Seeing extra money in my checking account is like receiving a birthday card from Grandma. And I'm going to work my damnedest to save. So if I fuck up, I'm writing about it here! I really want to pretend I'm a grownup and I've been able to in most things but money management. I need to get better.

xx
Heather


*I consider my personal, true adulthood to be when I moved out and paid my own bills.

Where have I been!

Holy Cow! It has been a long time since I've updated the 'ol bloggity. I've had very good intentions of doing so. My Evernote notebook for blog ideas is packed, but I've been lacking the drive to sit down and actually update it! The last time I updated I was reflecting and looking forward to 2013. And so far, 2013 has not disappointed. I'm going to cover many of the changes that have happened since 2013 and explore new possibilities. 

I'm just about to start my last semester of undergrad. I've think I had mentioned at some point last year it was going to be my last year but public colleges suck in terms of providing the resources needed to figure out what classes to take and how to transfer transcripts. It's exciting and I'm ready to move on. 

I'm ready to move on in so many different ways and I think that I've finally figured a way to include this blog in my life that is productive and enlightening to me. Hopefully, I won't abandon it again for 8 months ;)

xoxo,

Ginger

Save Your Eyes

My life has been crazy busy with the writing of my thesis. I don't have time for fun, or trivial blogs. However, my most recent discovery has drawn me back here to share. f.lux is an amazing app for apple computers and jailbroken iphones. It changes the color and brightness of the screen to match the hours of sunlight in your proximity. I was getting horrible eye strain from staring at the computer screen day and night. My eye strain was the classic kind, where your head is hurting but not enough to realize why. Then I downloaded f.lux as a momentary distraction away from my thesis and I'm amazed at the immediate difference I could feel in my eyes. I was like most people, thinking that eye strain isn't real and doesn't need to be addressed. BUT O M G I was dumb. Thank god for flux.

xx
Heather

Reflections

its been a while since ive last updated. the christmas season has come and gone and im looking forward to the new year. 2012 was filled with an amazing amount of changes.
i ended a toxic filled relationship.
i met the man of my dreams.
i finalized my divorce.
i gained a better understanding of who i am.

it was both a painful and glorious year. i wouldn't trade it for anything. and 2013 is gearing up to be a year of changes too. hopefully less painful but change nonetheless.
i graduate from college this year.
the man and i are planning a wedding.
we are also looking at expanding our little family.

despite planning on these changes occurring i know life is filled with its own surprises. i can hope that my goals come true but there is nothing i can do to ensure them. last year i had thought that i would never get married again but a year later i i am ecstatic to be marrying a man that i love and loves me back.

every year it seems that everyone i know, myself included, make goals and plans for the new year. this year i have goals but i'm also opening myself to whatever may happen during the year. life is unpredictable and i'm finally accepting that.

xx
Heather

Friday

this week is finals week, which is always a stressful time for me, but I can usually function. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. but since friday, it doesn't really matter anymore. I can't imagine the loss that those parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters are feeling right now. I can't comprehend that something so heinous could happen to children. The loss of innocence, pure innocence, is incredibly heartbreaking. My son, M, is six. He was sitting in his kindergarten class room during the shooting and the aftermath. As the story unfolded, and even now, I can't help but picture Mas one of those children. I can't help but imagine the presents wrapped under the Christmas tree but no little one to open them. I can't imagine the pictures on the walls, or the stocking hanging from the mantel. I can't imagine staring at the Christmas cards that feature a face that is no longer walking this earth. The sense of loss and selfish relief is so strong. I mourn from the bottom of my heart for those children and their parents, but I can't help but feeling relieved that it wasn't M.

Finals and school seem so unimportant. I would rather spend every extra moment with M, selfishly.

Art Challenge

etsy

art is amazing. it conveys feelings that can be hard to speak or understand. it can brighten your day. it can give clarity when nothing else does. im a huge fan of art. i love creating it {not that i have much time for that anymore}, i love looking at it whether at a museum or online. i love seeing how people incorporate art into their lives, however, there is a trend to consider mass produced wall hangings as art {i'm looking at you target}, which is extremely over priced and unoriginal. when i worked at target i was shocked at the amount of people that would buy the hotel-esque art or the oversized reproduction photograph of marilyn monroe. i would just want to scold them that they are wasting their money over a waste of space that they dont even love. especially when there are so many original pieces of art that they could buy instead. and when they buy original pieces of art they can support some amazing people. here is just a few samples of artwork that has been sitting on my wish list. and i ask you as the reader, when your tempted to go to target to add something something to your walls, check out etsy or 20x200 or society6. these websites are devoted with sharing art with the general public at affordable prices, some pieces are even more affordable then target! hopefully in the next few weeks i will be able to share my growing art collection with you!

etsy

etsy

etsy

etsy

etsy

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etsy

Trip to the Library

i get drawn into the modern technology very easily. i like gadgets, i like having new, shiny toys. and i have fallen into the trap that i think that modern and technological is always better then what was there before. now, there are some things that i love that are vintage: furniture, clothing, records, artwork.

especially for school i fall into the mindset that "the computer is the best thing ever to happen to education since the invention of the written language." and technology is very useful for education. i love using my ipad as a book reader, a notetaker, and calendar. it's incredibly useful. instead of lugging pounds upon pounds of books, i'm able to consolidate my text books and library books into a single item that fits into my purse {amazing!}. technology in general has changed aspects of higher education in the liberal field. i have access to journals that i would never be able to afford on my own. through the digitization of books and journals my school can financially afford to give access to the students. i have an incredible amount of information available to me through my web browser!

but i fall into the trap of thinking "if i can't get it through the internet it must not exist" and it's an easy trap to fall into. if i can't find it through jstor or google, i give up. i forget there is a library that may hold information that isn't available through the internet. in class the other day, we had a research librarian do a presentation on effective ways to research. i would argue that i am a master researcher when it comes to websites and databases available online, but i fail miserably at even checking the school library for resources. so while the librarian was educating the class on research i took a moment to browse the school library about my thesis topic. and oh my god! i found so much information that isn't available online. i found primary source documents that i had given up for lost! i spent a good hour clearing out the library shelves of all books on my thesis. i was giddy like a child in a candy shop!

i had forgotten how much i love libraries and what an essential part they are to research. the computer isn't everything, and it definitely cannot beat a hardbound book! so, fellow students, step away from the computer. stop focusing on the internet, and check out your local library and be amazed at the wealth of information!